My Harry Potter predictions
The novel opens with Harry hungry and miserable at the Dursley place. Aunt Petunia, having had a major breakthrough about her feelings regarding Lilly, has devoured self-help books and embraced Buddhism. She now has Harry on a strict regimen of fast periods and meditation, insisting that focusing his chi will help him with the "you know what."

Vernon and Dudley flee Petunia's sitar music and incense, and strict vegan meals by spending all day at the pub eating sausages and watching footie. Dudley develops a beer gut. Harry greets the starting term and final apocalyptic struggle with Voldemort with nothing but relief.
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Back at Hogwarts, Ron is appointed "Head Boy" and that night in their dormitory shows Harry that he takes the title very VERY seriously. We later learn that Ron has been placed under the "slashficcius" curse.
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Harry is suspended from Quidditch for the season after testing positive for steroids. He blames Draco Malfoy for framing him, but this is not the case. Remus Lupin framed Harry on the orders of a wallet-sized photograph of Dumbledore, who had discovered a Deatheater plot do assassinate Harry using an exploding snitch. Ginny replaces Harry as seeker. Cho wins the opening match for Ravenclaw but loses an arm when she beats Ginny to it. Harry does not visit Cho in the hospital.
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Harry has enrolled in extra advanced classes in hopes of becoming an Auror after graduation. Hermione offers to tutor him in astrology. A late night study session under the stars almost blossoms into romance but the two get into a fight over Ron's kissing technique and don't speak to each other again for another four chapters.
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The new Defense against Dark Arts teacher spontaneously combusts on Guy Fawkes Day. Foul play is suspected.
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Harry helps train Ginny for the next Quidditch match. A late night practice session results in Harry losing his virginity. Ginny does not -- too late for that, as a flashback sequence involving Moaning Myrtle shows. We later learn that Ginny is also under the "slashficcius" curse.
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The Deatheaters attempt to storm the Ministry of Magic but are foiled by traffic congestion in central London.
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Voldemort disappears. Ralph Fiennes enjoys rave reviews in the revival of George Bernard Shaw's Arms and the Man. Of course this is purely coincidence.
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The new new Defense against Dark Arts teacher is turned into a giant goose and accidentally eaten at Christmas. Fowl play is suspected.
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Barty Crouch is appointed new Minister of Magic on an "arrest everyone" platform. He announces plans to turn all of Britain into a giant prison island like Manhattan in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and put the handful of innocents in Azkaban Sanctuary for their own protection. The Daily Prophet hails the scheme as daring and innovative, while the Tattler warns that it "borders on fascism." MNN, the Rupert Murdoch owned Magical News Network, accuses the Tattler of Hysteria and "lowering the tone of debate" by sinking to such mudslinging language.
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The new new new Defense against Dark Arts teacher is trampled to death by centaurs. Foal play is suspected.
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Agnes Trelawny is offered the Defense against Dark Arts post. Instead she gets a decent haircut, lasic surgery and a flashier wardrobe and goes on the road as a nightclub singer. "Even I could predict what would happen if I took THAT job," she later declares in an interview in the Arts and Entertainment section of the Daily Prophet.
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Aurors close down Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes and arrest the proprietors on morals charges. We later learn that the twins were under a particularly nasty variant of the "slashficcius" curse.
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Harry breaks into Dumbledore's quarters against the express orders of the Order of the Phoenix and discovers to his shock that the former headmaster is still dead.
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Big fight scene. Ron, Hermione and Harry save each other's lives and reconcile. GROUP HUGZ!!!
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Voldemort returns. Again. It's happened so many times that it only makes page 6 of the Daily Prophet. On a completely unrelated note, the Arts and Entertainment section mentions the end of the highly successful run of Arms and the Man on the West End.
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Big musical number. FINALLY.
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Rocks fall. The new new new new Defense against Dark Arts teacher dies. Fall play is suspected.
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Draco tries to cast a "slashficcius" curse on Harry but it goes horribly wrong and Draco ends up spending a night as Harry's bitch. When Hermione shows up and breaks the curse Draco falls in love with her and renounces evil in gratitude. Hermione does not return his feelings.
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Hagrid is discovered harboring dangerous illegal creatures in the woods by the school.
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Harry finally susses to the fact that he can use his cloak of invisibility to spy on the girls' shower and takes two weeks away from the main action of the book.
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Snape says something really REALLY sarcastic.
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Final confrontation with Voldemort in the West End. As he and Harry duel on stage of Little Shop of Horrors Neville uses his skill at herbology to fuse his pet cactus with the Audrey II costume. Now grown to huge proportions, the cactus eats Voldemort, saving the world from his reign of terror.
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Final exams. Hey. This is set at a school, after all.
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Harry finally decides to talk to Cho, but she's already accepted her diploma and left the country.
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Harry proposes to Ginny, but in the middle of his speech Hermione casts a "slashficcius" curse and runs off with Ginny to become the new evil genius for the sequel series Rowling plans to write after squandering her billions on lavish investments, hot latin parties and risky cabana boys.
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Harry accepts the job of new new new new new Defense against Dark Arts teacher. Fool play is suspected.